I can't live like this

I can't live like this. Seriously. Hurmm. Agak jarang aku nak emo sebenarnya. Memandangkan keadaan dah memaksa, aku terpaksa. Aku hanya menulis apa yang aku rasa sekarang.

To,

You know Who You Are

Aku ada terfikir, you're right. Siapa yang nak kenang aku sekarang, lebih baik kenang aku time aku muda-muda dulu. Ya. Aku tahu. Aku memang dah berubah. Memang aku pernah berjanji nak berubah balik, namun semuanya janji kosong. Kemahuan untuk berubah tu ada. Tetapi, semuanya berlaku secara spontan, susah nak change back time. I'm not the most powerful to change the past.

Ignorance. Yes. It is a bliss. Memang aku tak kisah apa yang berlaku di sekeling aku. Yang aku kisah, benda yang bukan berkaitan aku. Orang yang dekat sangat dengan aku memang aku tak kisah. Ya. Ini pengakuan berani aku. Memang aku selalu deny this damn fact. But it is the truth. Now I know the consequences of being ignorance. I feel empty. My soul is lost bit by bit. Only god know how I feel right now.

What to do? I'm so wrong for this whole time. I always blame you, you are the reason I become like this but it is not. The true reason is me. I'm changed. Changed to a person I'm not used to be. A beast. A monster without a creator. I hate this kind of feeling. I'm so sorry for what happened. You are the best I ever had and I know I'm the worst you ever dream of. I'm sorry for treating you like someone not important to me. I'm not blaming you, blaming anyone else, blaming the time and anything else anymore. It's me. Totally me. I'm sorry.. So sorry.

And I know, you don't care anymore about my apology. My apology can't never be accepted. Every time I apologize, I keep doing the same mistake over and over again without feeling bad about it like a loop, an infinite loop or maybe a do loop. You used to ask me to do a blog post for you and told me I always wrote a blog post for my friends but not for you. But now, here you are. But this is not the post like u want it to be, I know.

I want to let you know, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. 

You the most lovely person to me and I totally forgot about that. 

You are the reason to my success now besides my family. 

You are the shooting star of my wishes. 

You are the can-opener when I have difficulty to open a canned food. 

You are the ink to my pen. 

You are the blade to my sword. 

You are the shield to my armor. 

You are the medicine when I'm sick. 

You are the battery and fuel to my life. 

You are the pillow of my bed. 

You are my everything and I blew it all.

I'm afraid to call you, but let me write this for you and I hope you are reading this. Hopefully. I used to be a sweet person to you but I feel some kind of weird writing this to you. Yeah. I know and you know why. That's why I say "used" there. I never do the same thing like I used to do with you. I'm so sorry and I hope you forgive me.


Yours sincerely,
Changed me

p/s - I get my result, and I passed. Thank you god.